Insult to Injury
So, on Thursday, about two hours after I posted my entry about Elsie Jane mastering the stairs, she took her first steps.
She walked all along the wall in my bedroom, steadying herself with one hand, and then she let go and took two solid steps over to a table. I just couldn't believe it.
She took another couple of steps today. I just know tomorrow she is going to start running. Think it would help slow her down if I just confine her to a port-a-crib for a few months?
The Truth
This list is for all of those who read about my plan to create perfect order and balance in my life and felt disgusted, like losers, or somehow gained an inaccurate view of my abilities.
I did get to going through and organizing all of my kitchen cupboards on Friday. I also, apparently for the first time in a VERY long time, cleaned out my freezer. Here is what I found:
--A whole bunch of little baggies full of fish that Jeffrey caught in the Chesapeake Bay this summer that had become permanently frozen to the freezer door. Seriously, I had to use the blow dryer to partially thaw them, remove them, separate them, and then relocate them in the freezer. Now, I need to come up with some fish recipes that my family will like. I love fish, but everyone else...well...
--A pie crust I had made in December and intended to use to make black bottom pie when Jeffrey's parents visited before Christmas. Yes, I mean Christmas 2008.
--Containers filled with single servings of red beans and rice, chicken masala, and spinach lasagna which I had prepared for Jeffrey to eat when we left town in April. No wonder I had been running low on dishes!
--Empty bags from items we had polished off, but never thrown away.
--A carton of ice cream with only ice crystals inside.
--A plastic figurine doll of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Don't ask. I don't know.
--A gallon size ziploc bag full of "snow" -- Mia's souvenir from winter.
--A sticky, thick, yellow substance about one inch deep covering the entire bottom of the freezer drawer.
All of the preceding items have now been removed and disposed of appropriately.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A Place for Everything
I admit it. I am a bit of a neat-freak. Okay, maybe a bit more than a bit.
But, I come by it honestly. My mother's favorite expression when I was growing up had to have been, "A place for everything, and everything in its place." A well-worn mantra about creating perpetual, unyielding order out of life.
I, as the oldest, internalized this fully.
It is my ultimate goal in life to find the place in which everything belongs, and ensure that is where it is. And, to this end, I engage in many of my most innate and automatic behaviors.
I make lists; I sort; I plan; I even worry. I cannot relax in a mess. I struggle to let go of any unfinished task or project. I obsess over the constant checklist in my head of what needs to be done to bring my home, my finances, my life, my children, everything into perfect order.
Often, the dialogue in my head is less of a dialogue and more of a task-master.
Traversing with ease from the mundane, daily list:
Exercise. Shower. Get Dressed. Get the kids dressed. Clean-up Bedrooms. Fix their hair, don't forget to have them brush their teeth. Make my bed. Change Elsie Jane's diaper. Carry stack of items to be put away downstairs on my way. Fix breakfast. Fix lunch. Fix a snack. Mia needs to practice piano. Double check the back pack. Feed everyone. Tidy the kitchen. Meet the bus. Wash dishes. Sweep floors. Vacuum. Fold Laundry. Send Email...
To a host of other topics.
There's the "Things we need to do around the house list":
Clean spider webs off front porch. Get carpets cleaned. Touch up paint on kitchen cabinets. Fix kitchen floor. Get septic system serviced...
the "Projects I want to work on list":
Re-do dining room. Sew Halloween costumes. Sew dress-ups for Christmas. Organize photos. Update blog. Figure out how to publish my book...
the "What I plan to buy for birthday / Christmas gifts this year list":
Bike for Mia. Scooter for Maggie. Doll house for both girls. Tents set at Costco, maybe I should pick that one up soon...
And so on and so forth through the "Grocery list," and the "Items we want to purchase in the coming year list," to the "People to invite, food to eat, and games to play at Mia's birthday party list," to the "Proposed schedule and lesson plans for dance class list," to the "Things I need to do to make good progress on my food storage list," to the "Books I want to read in the coming year list."
Truly, if you were to visit my house and observe things closely you would find each of these lists, plus a whole lot more, written on various scraps of paper, in my planner, on the fridge. I learned a long time ago that writing things down helps my brain to empty a bit, calm the constant nagging voices of the to-do lists.
But, there is a dark-side to the need for such perfect order in all things. I find it very hard to relax, to let go, to focus on the moment. And, as a mother, that weakness is my greatest sorrow.
I want to enjoy my children. I sincerely want to play with them, be with them, teach them in an organic way that seizes each opportunity as it arises out of life. But, too often I feel torn. My perpetual need for order makes it hard to capture the little moments without some degree of guilt or stress.
There is a constant tension between three essential needs in my world.
#1- The need to get things done. In the end, someone has to pay the bills, wash the clothes, do the dishes, and fix the meals. These are actually vital and important parts of my family's well-being.
#2- The need to pay quality attention to my children. Kids need attention in unplanned and often inconvenient ways. Giving it to them as they need it, being present and loving with them through the ups and downs, twists and turns, tantrums and demands of a given day is essential to their sense of being loved and acknowledged.
#3- The need for time to myself. I am sure every mother has, like me, sometimes felt a slave to the previous two needs. I have to be able to have some quiet, to make some progress on my interests, my health, my relationships on a regular basis in order to continue to provide all that my family needs and to have a personally-fulfilling life.
This is the point where my husband would pull out his planner and walk me through the Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the four quadrants that show that I allow the unimportant but loudest things, the items in crisis mode, to too often keep me from putting time into the more essential, but less pressing tasks. And, he would be right.
It is just a constant struggle for me. I cannot completely let go of any of my three essential needs, but figuring out how to manage all of them is a challenge.
So, after prayer and contemplation, stresses and worries, and even a few melt-downs, I decided to approach the issue in the best way I know how: Find a place for everything, and put everything in its place.
I began, when we returned from Utah, by setting my physical world in greater order. I went through everything in my house. And, I mean EVERYTHING. I organized every closet, examined every toy and article of clothing, went through every drawer, and ensured that everything had and was in its rightful place. I gave away anything I no longer needed. All my maternity clothes and baby supplies found new homes. Bags full of toys, clothes, and other items were donated. If I can finish my kitchen cupboards (which a stupid cold I am battling has held me up on) this week, I can say that under the surface, my whole house is in order.
Then, I made a list of all the other things I want to do in my home, and I told myself that I could work on only one at a time, and only as it fit into my schedule. Which is my bigger approach to this issue.
I thought through what was essential in my life and determined I had to know exactly when I was going to make time for it. I could not hope it would just emerge at the top of my to-do list each day in a haphazard way. In addition, by knowing that there was a set time for each essential task, my hope was to let go of it during the other times.
My plan consists of four main rules:
#1- Get up by six.
Exercise. Pray. Shower. Get Ready. Be prepared to assist the kids in getting dressed, morning chores, fixing food, etc. by 7:30 at the latest. The key here is not to let ANYTHING distract me. My primary task is ensuring that I am ready for the day. Then, I am in a strong position to be present and available to help the kids get ready and out the door. Our mornings are less stressful and rushed when I am prepared.
I have spent the past 18 months justifying, and rightly so, how I cannot rise early. Pregnancy and waking with a new baby just make it too hard. But, now Elsie Jane is ten months and usually sleeps through the night. There are no more excuses. And, in terms of my personal goals and helping my family's lives to run well, rising earlier is essential.
Just a note, during the summer, when I was NOT trying to rise early and do this, I would tell Jeffrey that you could gauge the quality of my day by how long I wore my workout clothes. Since the goal is always to put them on, go straight to completing my exercise, and then directly remove them and get in the shower (about a one hour process) if I wore them for three or four hours, well let's just say there had been a lot of disruptions along the way. I hate nothing more than days when I am showering after noon!
#2- Use a schedule to organize and accomplish household tasks.
Mine is pretty simple. For the mornings it consists of:
Mondays - Clean the House. (This is the really-get-it-clean-after-the-weekend clean: scrub all baths, vacuum and mop all floors, change sheets and linens, wipe down entire kitchen, ensure all clutter is picked up.)
Tuesdays - Update finances, send emails, work on computer, write.
Wednesdays - Laundry. All of it washed, folded, and put away over the course of the day. Also, Maggie's dance class in the morning.
Thursdays - Projects. Any project I want to work on has to be completed on this day or started and put away until the next Thursday.
Friday - Errands. Grocery shopping, dry cleaner, any other items.
That's it. The goal is that these tasks are not allowed to bleed into other days. So, if the cleaning is not finished on Monday, it waits until the next Monday. Not that I do nothing the rest of the week, it is just that the other days involve quickly picking up, cleaning up after meals, and such, but that is all.
For the afternoons, my goal is to be available to have lunch with Maggie, study my scriptures, and play with Maggie in the afternoons. Obviously, some flexible time is necessary, and this is where it exists.
#3- Once Mia gets home from school, anything that was not done is put aside until the next day.
The afternoons / evenings require my full attention and organization to be carried off with any success. Since we have soccer practice, piano lessons, bishopric meetings, young women's meetings, book groups, school functions, and more on the various evenings in the week, just making sure we have dinner, clean-up, and engage in an effective bedtime routine is all consuming. Besides, this is when my kids need me the very most; if I am not prepared to focus on them, everything falls apart.
#4- Plan family / date time every week.
I feel it is essential for us to have some time as a family and for Jeffrey and I to have some time alone together each week. Lately our schedules have made this rather complex, but if we plan well in advance we can succeed in making it happen.
Right now, our strategy is to take the kids swimming and out to dinner every Friday. We try to hire a babysitter once a week, most often on Saturdays (even if it is just to go to the ward baptism and get a sandwich -- as we have done the last two weeks) but this week it is Thursday so we can to Back-to-School night and then go out to dinner. It just has to occur at some point.
My new schedule creates a place for everything that is essential in my life. If I can keep everything in its place and not allow myself to get distracted or pulled off course along the way, my hope is that I will get the tasks done, without them taking over, have some reliable time for myself and my interests, and be more available and prepared to give during the times that my family is all at home.
I am only a few weeks in, but so far it seems to be helping this neat-freak to let go a bit more.
But, I come by it honestly. My mother's favorite expression when I was growing up had to have been, "A place for everything, and everything in its place." A well-worn mantra about creating perpetual, unyielding order out of life.
I, as the oldest, internalized this fully.
It is my ultimate goal in life to find the place in which everything belongs, and ensure that is where it is. And, to this end, I engage in many of my most innate and automatic behaviors.
I make lists; I sort; I plan; I even worry. I cannot relax in a mess. I struggle to let go of any unfinished task or project. I obsess over the constant checklist in my head of what needs to be done to bring my home, my finances, my life, my children, everything into perfect order.
Often, the dialogue in my head is less of a dialogue and more of a task-master.
Traversing with ease from the mundane, daily list:
Exercise. Shower. Get Dressed. Get the kids dressed. Clean-up Bedrooms. Fix their hair, don't forget to have them brush their teeth. Make my bed. Change Elsie Jane's diaper. Carry stack of items to be put away downstairs on my way. Fix breakfast. Fix lunch. Fix a snack. Mia needs to practice piano. Double check the back pack. Feed everyone. Tidy the kitchen. Meet the bus. Wash dishes. Sweep floors. Vacuum. Fold Laundry. Send Email...
To a host of other topics.
There's the "Things we need to do around the house list":
Clean spider webs off front porch. Get carpets cleaned. Touch up paint on kitchen cabinets. Fix kitchen floor. Get septic system serviced...
the "Projects I want to work on list":
Re-do dining room. Sew Halloween costumes. Sew dress-ups for Christmas. Organize photos. Update blog. Figure out how to publish my book...
the "What I plan to buy for birthday / Christmas gifts this year list":
Bike for Mia. Scooter for Maggie. Doll house for both girls. Tents set at Costco, maybe I should pick that one up soon...
And so on and so forth through the "Grocery list," and the "Items we want to purchase in the coming year list," to the "People to invite, food to eat, and games to play at Mia's birthday party list," to the "Proposed schedule and lesson plans for dance class list," to the "Things I need to do to make good progress on my food storage list," to the "Books I want to read in the coming year list."
Truly, if you were to visit my house and observe things closely you would find each of these lists, plus a whole lot more, written on various scraps of paper, in my planner, on the fridge. I learned a long time ago that writing things down helps my brain to empty a bit, calm the constant nagging voices of the to-do lists.
But, there is a dark-side to the need for such perfect order in all things. I find it very hard to relax, to let go, to focus on the moment. And, as a mother, that weakness is my greatest sorrow.
I want to enjoy my children. I sincerely want to play with them, be with them, teach them in an organic way that seizes each opportunity as it arises out of life. But, too often I feel torn. My perpetual need for order makes it hard to capture the little moments without some degree of guilt or stress.
There is a constant tension between three essential needs in my world.
#1- The need to get things done. In the end, someone has to pay the bills, wash the clothes, do the dishes, and fix the meals. These are actually vital and important parts of my family's well-being.
#2- The need to pay quality attention to my children. Kids need attention in unplanned and often inconvenient ways. Giving it to them as they need it, being present and loving with them through the ups and downs, twists and turns, tantrums and demands of a given day is essential to their sense of being loved and acknowledged.
#3- The need for time to myself. I am sure every mother has, like me, sometimes felt a slave to the previous two needs. I have to be able to have some quiet, to make some progress on my interests, my health, my relationships on a regular basis in order to continue to provide all that my family needs and to have a personally-fulfilling life.
This is the point where my husband would pull out his planner and walk me through the Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the four quadrants that show that I allow the unimportant but loudest things, the items in crisis mode, to too often keep me from putting time into the more essential, but less pressing tasks. And, he would be right.
It is just a constant struggle for me. I cannot completely let go of any of my three essential needs, but figuring out how to manage all of them is a challenge.
So, after prayer and contemplation, stresses and worries, and even a few melt-downs, I decided to approach the issue in the best way I know how: Find a place for everything, and put everything in its place.
I began, when we returned from Utah, by setting my physical world in greater order. I went through everything in my house. And, I mean EVERYTHING. I organized every closet, examined every toy and article of clothing, went through every drawer, and ensured that everything had and was in its rightful place. I gave away anything I no longer needed. All my maternity clothes and baby supplies found new homes. Bags full of toys, clothes, and other items were donated. If I can finish my kitchen cupboards (which a stupid cold I am battling has held me up on) this week, I can say that under the surface, my whole house is in order.
Then, I made a list of all the other things I want to do in my home, and I told myself that I could work on only one at a time, and only as it fit into my schedule. Which is my bigger approach to this issue.
I thought through what was essential in my life and determined I had to know exactly when I was going to make time for it. I could not hope it would just emerge at the top of my to-do list each day in a haphazard way. In addition, by knowing that there was a set time for each essential task, my hope was to let go of it during the other times.
My plan consists of four main rules:
#1- Get up by six.
Exercise. Pray. Shower. Get Ready. Be prepared to assist the kids in getting dressed, morning chores, fixing food, etc. by 7:30 at the latest. The key here is not to let ANYTHING distract me. My primary task is ensuring that I am ready for the day. Then, I am in a strong position to be present and available to help the kids get ready and out the door. Our mornings are less stressful and rushed when I am prepared.
I have spent the past 18 months justifying, and rightly so, how I cannot rise early. Pregnancy and waking with a new baby just make it too hard. But, now Elsie Jane is ten months and usually sleeps through the night. There are no more excuses. And, in terms of my personal goals and helping my family's lives to run well, rising earlier is essential.
Just a note, during the summer, when I was NOT trying to rise early and do this, I would tell Jeffrey that you could gauge the quality of my day by how long I wore my workout clothes. Since the goal is always to put them on, go straight to completing my exercise, and then directly remove them and get in the shower (about a one hour process) if I wore them for three or four hours, well let's just say there had been a lot of disruptions along the way. I hate nothing more than days when I am showering after noon!
#2- Use a schedule to organize and accomplish household tasks.
Mine is pretty simple. For the mornings it consists of:
Mondays - Clean the House. (This is the really-get-it-clean-after-the-weekend clean: scrub all baths, vacuum and mop all floors, change sheets and linens, wipe down entire kitchen, ensure all clutter is picked up.)
Tuesdays - Update finances, send emails, work on computer, write.
Wednesdays - Laundry. All of it washed, folded, and put away over the course of the day. Also, Maggie's dance class in the morning.
Thursdays - Projects. Any project I want to work on has to be completed on this day or started and put away until the next Thursday.
Friday - Errands. Grocery shopping, dry cleaner, any other items.
That's it. The goal is that these tasks are not allowed to bleed into other days. So, if the cleaning is not finished on Monday, it waits until the next Monday. Not that I do nothing the rest of the week, it is just that the other days involve quickly picking up, cleaning up after meals, and such, but that is all.
For the afternoons, my goal is to be available to have lunch with Maggie, study my scriptures, and play with Maggie in the afternoons. Obviously, some flexible time is necessary, and this is where it exists.
#3- Once Mia gets home from school, anything that was not done is put aside until the next day.
The afternoons / evenings require my full attention and organization to be carried off with any success. Since we have soccer practice, piano lessons, bishopric meetings, young women's meetings, book groups, school functions, and more on the various evenings in the week, just making sure we have dinner, clean-up, and engage in an effective bedtime routine is all consuming. Besides, this is when my kids need me the very most; if I am not prepared to focus on them, everything falls apart.
#4- Plan family / date time every week.
I feel it is essential for us to have some time as a family and for Jeffrey and I to have some time alone together each week. Lately our schedules have made this rather complex, but if we plan well in advance we can succeed in making it happen.
Right now, our strategy is to take the kids swimming and out to dinner every Friday. We try to hire a babysitter once a week, most often on Saturdays (even if it is just to go to the ward baptism and get a sandwich -- as we have done the last two weeks) but this week it is Thursday so we can to Back-to-School night and then go out to dinner. It just has to occur at some point.
My new schedule creates a place for everything that is essential in my life. If I can keep everything in its place and not allow myself to get distracted or pulled off course along the way, my hope is that I will get the tasks done, without them taking over, have some reliable time for myself and my interests, and be more available and prepared to give during the times that my family is all at home.
I am only a few weeks in, but so far it seems to be helping this neat-freak to let go a bit more.
All too fast...
It seems so trite for mothers to complain about how fast their children are growing up. But, lately I am just feeling it so bad, that I am going to do it anyway.
Last thing I knew I was a mother of two little ones and a baby. Not anymore.
It began when I was organizing some pictures. I came across this of Mia just after we moved to Virginia (which seems like only yesterday):
And, compared it to this:
Aack! What happened?
All the sudden, it feels like, she has become quite the grown-up. She lost her other top tooth; she changed Elsie Jane's diaper; she consistently gets up to practice piano every morning before school on her own; she reads everything. I am not sure I am ready for all this.
But, it only got worse when I was taking Maggie to her first full day of preschool last week. Just the night before Jeffrey was commenting on his fears of navigating Maggie through her teenage years, since she already gives us fits over the types of issues you would expect to find with a sixteen-year old.
"Pooh, pooh," I said, "It will be fine."
Then, as we pulled up near the school, Maggie turned to me and said, "Mom, I really need my own cell phone."
What!?!
"Yes," she continued, laying out her argument with great care, "Then, if there is a problem I can call you and Dad."
Seriously! I admit it, Love, I too am scared.
I mean, she is THREE. Oh, what may await us when this fashion-diva, cell-phone toting tot turns thirteen.
And, as if all the accomplishments and interests of her older sisters were not enough to give me pause, Elsie Jane has decided to just make it official. She is no longer a baby.
Since our return from Utah I have been pondering what to so about safely securing the stairs in our house. Our little 1930's bungalow in Salt Lake had a door at the top of the one staircase to the basement, so I have never owned a baby gate before. My stairs now have crazy banisters, and I have simply not known what to do.
So, I just tried to always keep an eye on Elsie who, at ten months, is all over the place now.
But, this last week, she mastered the stairs on her own. She can go all the way up and all the way down with no trouble. And, she is super fast.
I will turn around for a minute, and when I turn back she is no where to be found, because she has scurried up the stairs.
In fact, this is her favorite past-time lately. It is like having her own jungle gym at home. Elsie spends all the time she possibly can, every day, climbing up and down the stairs.
I guess that solves my gate problem.
But, it leaves me with another, mourning the loss of the little baby years. Sigh. I never thought I was the type of mom who didn't want her kids to grow up, but lately it just seems to be happening all too fast.
Last thing I knew I was a mother of two little ones and a baby. Not anymore.
It began when I was organizing some pictures. I came across this of Mia just after we moved to Virginia (which seems like only yesterday):
And, compared it to this:
Aack! What happened?
All the sudden, it feels like, she has become quite the grown-up. She lost her other top tooth; she changed Elsie Jane's diaper; she consistently gets up to practice piano every morning before school on her own; she reads everything. I am not sure I am ready for all this.
But, it only got worse when I was taking Maggie to her first full day of preschool last week. Just the night before Jeffrey was commenting on his fears of navigating Maggie through her teenage years, since she already gives us fits over the types of issues you would expect to find with a sixteen-year old.
"Pooh, pooh," I said, "It will be fine."
Then, as we pulled up near the school, Maggie turned to me and said, "Mom, I really need my own cell phone."
What!?!
"Yes," she continued, laying out her argument with great care, "Then, if there is a problem I can call you and Dad."
Seriously! I admit it, Love, I too am scared.
I mean, she is THREE. Oh, what may await us when this fashion-diva, cell-phone toting tot turns thirteen.
And, as if all the accomplishments and interests of her older sisters were not enough to give me pause, Elsie Jane has decided to just make it official. She is no longer a baby.
Since our return from Utah I have been pondering what to so about safely securing the stairs in our house. Our little 1930's bungalow in Salt Lake had a door at the top of the one staircase to the basement, so I have never owned a baby gate before. My stairs now have crazy banisters, and I have simply not known what to do.
So, I just tried to always keep an eye on Elsie who, at ten months, is all over the place now.
But, this last week, she mastered the stairs on her own. She can go all the way up and all the way down with no trouble. And, she is super fast.
I will turn around for a minute, and when I turn back she is no where to be found, because she has scurried up the stairs.
In fact, this is her favorite past-time lately. It is like having her own jungle gym at home. Elsie spends all the time she possibly can, every day, climbing up and down the stairs.
I guess that solves my gate problem.
But, it leaves me with another, mourning the loss of the little baby years. Sigh. I never thought I was the type of mom who didn't want her kids to grow up, but lately it just seems to be happening all too fast.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
In the buff...
Well, I did it.
And, as I sit here with butterflies in my stomach, I can't shake the sensation that I just stripped down, nude, documented myself, and posted pictures on the internet. I am that naked.
I have promised myself that this blog is a place to tell the truth, to be myself, but I am presently shuddering over doing it.
Deep breath. Calm down.
Here it goes.
I have been working on a story. A children's story. For several months now. It came to me suddenly, was far more difficult than I expected it to be to write, and has had many revisions. And, this is the part that causes internal somersaults, I am hoping to get it published.
There I said it. I just wish I could silence the voice in my head that sounds something like this, "You presumptuous, untalented, idiot. Who do you think you are?" And so on, and so forth....
In any case, I am to a point that I need more feedback and critiquing of my work.
I need honest, helpful responses on how to improve it to a point that I can then send it off in its best possible form, well prepared for a boatload more rejection of my work.
So, I thought of all of you. You anonymous, but friendly, souls who bother to read what I write already. I know you are out there.
So, if you have a minute and are willing to do me a favor, read my story. Tell me what you think. I have thick skin, and I really want to know.
Thanks.
You can get to it by clicking on the link on the right that says: What I May Be. Thanks, Again.
I am still working on breathing. It is hard to feel right when I feel so naked and exposed.
But, eventually in life, you just have to take a risk. This is my first step.
And, as I sit here with butterflies in my stomach, I can't shake the sensation that I just stripped down, nude, documented myself, and posted pictures on the internet. I am that naked.
I have promised myself that this blog is a place to tell the truth, to be myself, but I am presently shuddering over doing it.
Deep breath. Calm down.
Here it goes.
I have been working on a story. A children's story. For several months now. It came to me suddenly, was far more difficult than I expected it to be to write, and has had many revisions. And, this is the part that causes internal somersaults, I am hoping to get it published.
There I said it. I just wish I could silence the voice in my head that sounds something like this, "You presumptuous, untalented, idiot. Who do you think you are?" And so on, and so forth....
In any case, I am to a point that I need more feedback and critiquing of my work.
I need honest, helpful responses on how to improve it to a point that I can then send it off in its best possible form, well prepared for a boatload more rejection of my work.
So, I thought of all of you. You anonymous, but friendly, souls who bother to read what I write already. I know you are out there.
So, if you have a minute and are willing to do me a favor, read my story. Tell me what you think. I have thick skin, and I really want to know.
Thanks.
You can get to it by clicking on the link on the right that says: What I May Be. Thanks, Again.
I am still working on breathing. It is hard to feel right when I feel so naked and exposed.
But, eventually in life, you just have to take a risk. This is my first step.
Mama Mia!
Maggie, my three year old, has a favorite song. Every time we get in the car or turn on music in the house she cries, "Mama Mia! Mama Mia!"
At first, I thought that this Abba hit, turned Broadway Musical, turned Hollywood Blockbuster was adored for its snappy, upbeat tune. But, I think this summer I have discovered the truth. Maggie loves Mama Mia because Maggie idolizes Mia.
Maggie's favorite song is really just a tribute to the greatest person in her life: her sister Mia. In fact, to hear Maggie sing it, the lyrics to Mama Mia go something like this:
"Mama Mia, here I go again,
My, my how about my sister!"
How about her sister? Maggie forms the one person, non-stop, 24-7 Mia fan club.
If Mia does something, Maggie has to do it too. If Mia is playing with a toy, Maggie will take it. If Mia says something, Maggie will repeat it. (Sometimes for the length of a full conversation that they are both having with me!)
But, during the last few weeks the infatuation has risen to an even greater frenzy.
Maggie began by saying, "I not want my voice. I want Mia's voice. I want to talk like Mia!"
Then, she said, "I not want to be Maggie. I want to be Mia. Why you make me be Maggie?"
And finally, this last week, "I am not Maggie. I AM MIA!!!"
But, as any celebrity can testify, iconic status does have its downsides. Like, a complete lack of privacy.
With Maggie forming a one-girl paparazzi, she effectively follows Mia ANYWHERE she goes. And, if Mia tries to shut the door and have some privacy (which is what I often encourage during heated moments of over-zealous adoration) Maggie will collapse into a screaming, puddle and then diligently pound the door down for an hour, until Mia, in a new state of desperation opens it up to escape from Maggie.
There is also a bit of a challenge in having no personal ownership. Not of property, not of ideas, not of time with your friends or family. Nothing. Maggie infringes on everything that belongs to Mia. She often cannot even sleep in peace.
Maggie wears Mia's clothes and shoes; Maggie hangs out in Mia's room in her spare time; Maggie sneaks into Mia's bed and sleeps with her at night.
If Mia is having a fairy birthday party, so is Maggie. If Mia wants an American Girl doll for Christmas, so does Maggie. If Mia wants to eat orange ice cream, so does Maggie.
Watching it unfold up-close, I have begun to understand why celebrities snap. It's called too much of a good thing.
Seriously, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I watch Mia slug her sister and think, "I would feel exactly like doing that too!" (Not, that I am condoning violence. No, we talk a lot about turning the other cheek and such, but still...)
In sum, from a mother's perspective, raising an icon and her biggest fan in the same house can create some degree of tension. It is a love-hate relationship.
While my daughters love each other and are truly, as they say, "BFF" -- which I have learned is "Best Friends Forever" -- they need some time apart, some opportunities that are uniquely their own. Really, they need their own lives, for the health of their relationship and for the sanity of our family, they need to find their own lives.
So, in truth, I was relieved to be sending Mia and Maggie off to school this week. Especially since, they were both so excited.
Maggie, of course was rather devastated that:
1- She was not going to Mia's school;
2- She was not riding on the bus to school, like Mia;
3- She was not going to take her lunch to school with her, like Mia;
4- She could not wear exactly the same clothes to school as Mia;
5- She did not originally choose exactly the same backpack as Mia; and
6- She has to wait so dang long in the afternoons for Mia to return back home.
But, in the end, Maggie loves her preschool. She only wishes she was going every day. And, much to my relief, Mia seems to be off to a much better start in first grade than she had in kindergarten.
While we have had a few more peaceful days, and I am hoping for even more, I know that the Maggie "hearts" Mia dynamic will only continue to be well captured by Mama Mia! because, in essence, it is just a song about a love that always wins out, even when misbehavior, tantrums, threats to leave and never come back plague it regularly, deep down, its a crazy, inescapable, eternal love that never really subsides.
I guess that is all I can really hope for with my kids. That after the years of growing up together, the inevitable battles over who gets to use the bathroom and "borrowed" clothing, the constant need to differentiate one's self and the competition of being siblings, even the unkind words and frustrations that come with being family, that the ultimate outcome will be that they always come back to loving each other, over and over again.
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