A Place for Everything

I admit it. I am a bit of a neat-freak. Okay, maybe a bit more than a bit.

But, I come by it honestly. My mother's favorite expression when I was growing up had to have been, "A place for everything, and everything in its place." A well-worn mantra about creating perpetual, unyielding order out of life.

I, as the oldest, internalized this fully.

It is my ultimate goal in life to find the place in which everything belongs, and ensure that is where it is. And, to this end, I engage in many of my most innate and automatic behaviors.

I make lists; I sort; I plan; I even worry. I cannot relax in a mess. I struggle to let go of any unfinished task or project. I obsess over the constant checklist in my head of what needs to be done to bring my home, my finances, my life, my children, everything into perfect order.

Often, the dialogue in my head is less of a dialogue and more of a task-master.
Traversing with ease from the mundane, daily list:

Exercise. Shower. Get Dressed. Get the kids dressed. Clean-up Bedrooms. Fix their hair, don't forget to have them brush their teeth. Make my bed. Change Elsie Jane's diaper. Carry stack of items to be put away downstairs on my way. Fix breakfast. Fix lunch. Fix a snack. Mia needs to practice piano. Double check the back pack. Feed everyone. Tidy the kitchen. Meet the bus. Wash dishes. Sweep floors. Vacuum. Fold Laundry. Send Email...

To a host of other topics.

There's the "Things we need to do around the house list":
Clean spider webs off front porch. Get carpets cleaned. Touch up paint on kitchen cabinets. Fix kitchen floor. Get septic system serviced...

the "Projects I want to work on list":
Re-do dining room. Sew Halloween costumes. Sew dress-ups for Christmas. Organize photos. Update blog. Figure out how to publish my book...

the "What I plan to buy for birthday / Christmas gifts this year list":
Bike for Mia. Scooter for Maggie. Doll house for both girls. Tents set at Costco, maybe I should pick that one up soon...

And so on and so forth through the "Grocery list," and the "Items we want to purchase in the coming year list," to the "People to invite, food to eat, and games to play at Mia's birthday party list," to the "Proposed schedule and lesson plans for dance class list," to the "Things I need to do to make good progress on my food storage list," to the "Books I want to read in the coming year list."

Truly, if you were to visit my house and observe things closely you would find each of these lists, plus a whole lot more, written on various scraps of paper, in my planner, on the fridge. I learned a long time ago that writing things down helps my brain to empty a bit, calm the constant nagging voices of the to-do lists.

But, there is a dark-side to the need for such perfect order in all things. I find it very hard to relax, to let go, to focus on the moment. And, as a mother, that weakness is my greatest sorrow.

I want to enjoy my children. I sincerely want to play with them, be with them, teach them in an organic way that seizes each opportunity as it arises out of life. But, too often I feel torn. My perpetual need for order makes it hard to capture the little moments without some degree of guilt or stress.

There is a constant tension between three essential needs in my world.

#1- The need to get things done. In the end, someone has to pay the bills, wash the clothes, do the dishes, and fix the meals. These are actually vital and important parts of my family's well-being.

#2- The need to pay quality attention to my children. Kids need attention in unplanned and often inconvenient ways. Giving it to them as they need it, being present and loving with them through the ups and downs, twists and turns, tantrums and demands of a given day is essential to their sense of being loved and acknowledged.

#3- The need for time to myself. I am sure every mother has, like me, sometimes felt a slave to the previous two needs. I have to be able to have some quiet, to make some progress on my interests, my health, my relationships on a regular basis in order to continue to provide all that my family needs and to have a personally-fulfilling life.

This is the point where my husband would pull out his planner and walk me through the Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the four quadrants that show that I allow the unimportant but loudest things, the items in crisis mode, to too often keep me from putting time into the more essential, but less pressing tasks. And, he would be right.

It is just a constant struggle for me. I cannot completely let go of any of my three essential needs, but figuring out how to manage all of them is a challenge.

So, after prayer and contemplation, stresses and worries, and even a few melt-downs, I decided to approach the issue in the best way I know how: Find a place for everything, and put everything in its place.

I began, when we returned from Utah, by setting my physical world in greater order. I went through everything in my house. And, I mean EVERYTHING. I organized every closet, examined every toy and article of clothing, went through every drawer, and ensured that everything had and was in its rightful place. I gave away anything I no longer needed. All my maternity clothes and baby supplies found new homes. Bags full of toys, clothes, and other items were donated. If I can finish my kitchen cupboards (which a stupid cold I am battling has held me up on) this week, I can say that under the surface, my whole house is in order.

Then, I made a list of all the other things I want to do in my home, and I told myself that I could work on only one at a time, and only as it fit into my schedule. Which is my bigger approach to this issue.

I thought through what was essential in my life and determined I had to know exactly when I was going to make time for it. I could not hope it would just emerge at the top of my to-do list each day in a haphazard way. In addition, by knowing that there was a set time for each essential task, my hope was to let go of it during the other times.

My plan consists of four main rules:
#1- Get up by six.

Exercise. Pray. Shower. Get Ready. Be prepared to assist the kids in getting dressed, morning chores, fixing food, etc. by 7:30 at the latest. The key here is not to let ANYTHING distract me. My primary task is ensuring that I am ready for the day. Then, I am in a strong position to be present and available to help the kids get ready and out the door. Our mornings are less stressful and rushed when I am prepared.

I have spent the past 18 months justifying, and rightly so, how I cannot rise early. Pregnancy and waking with a new baby just make it too hard. But, now Elsie Jane is ten months and usually sleeps through the night. There are no more excuses. And, in terms of my personal goals and helping my family's lives to run well, rising earlier is essential.

Just a note, during the summer, when I was NOT trying to rise early and do this, I would tell Jeffrey that you could gauge the quality of my day by how long I wore my workout clothes. Since the goal is always to put them on, go straight to completing my exercise, and then directly remove them and get in the shower (about a one hour process) if I wore them for three or four hours, well let's just say there had been a lot of disruptions along the way. I hate nothing more than days when I am showering after noon!

#2- Use a schedule to organize and accomplish household tasks.

Mine is pretty simple. For the mornings it consists of:

Mondays - Clean the House. (This is the really-get-it-clean-after-the-weekend clean: scrub all baths, vacuum and mop all floors, change sheets and linens, wipe down entire kitchen, ensure all clutter is picked up.)

Tuesdays - Update finances, send emails, work on computer, write.

Wednesdays - Laundry. All of it washed, folded, and put away over the course of the day. Also, Maggie's dance class in the morning.

Thursdays - Projects. Any project I want to work on has to be completed on this day or started and put away until the next Thursday.

Friday - Errands. Grocery shopping, dry cleaner, any other items.

That's it. The goal is that these tasks are not allowed to bleed into other days. So, if the cleaning is not finished on Monday, it waits until the next Monday. Not that I do nothing the rest of the week, it is just that the other days involve quickly picking up, cleaning up after meals, and such, but that is all.

For the afternoons, my goal is to be available to have lunch with Maggie, study my scriptures, and play with Maggie in the afternoons. Obviously, some flexible time is necessary, and this is where it exists.

#3- Once Mia gets home from school, anything that was not done is put aside until the next day.

The afternoons / evenings require my full attention and organization to be carried off with any success. Since we have soccer practice, piano lessons, bishopric meetings, young women's meetings, book groups, school functions, and more on the various evenings in the week, just making sure we have dinner, clean-up, and engage in an effective bedtime routine is all consuming. Besides, this is when my kids need me the very most; if I am not prepared to focus on them, everything falls apart.

#4- Plan family / date time every week.

I feel it is essential for us to have some time as a family and for Jeffrey and I to have some time alone together each week. Lately our schedules have made this rather complex, but if we plan well in advance we can succeed in making it happen.

Right now, our strategy is to take the kids swimming and out to dinner every Friday. We try to hire a babysitter once a week, most often on Saturdays (even if it is just to go to the ward baptism and get a sandwich -- as we have done the last two weeks) but this week it is Thursday so we can to Back-to-School night and then go out to dinner. It just has to occur at some point.

My new schedule creates a place for everything that is essential in my life. If I can keep everything in its place and not allow myself to get distracted or pulled off course along the way, my hope is that I will get the tasks done, without them taking over, have some reliable time for myself and my interests, and be more available and prepared to give during the times that my family is all at home.

I am only a few weeks in, but so far it seems to be helping this neat-freak to let go a bit more.