New Approaches

Jeffrey has been telling me for about a year that I need to update the pictures on my blog. I think they were about two years old. But, it is just not the sort of thing I usually make time to do.

But, right now I need some distraction.

I need to think about something other than my house, so my blog is the beneficiary.

I have decided that selling a house is akin to pregnancy for me -- just about the most frustrating thing EVER!

The thing about selling houses and expecting babies is that both just take time. Deep down, you know that both will eventually occur. No one is pregnant forever. Most homes eventually do sell. The problem is you don't have any clue when either will actually take place. You can do little or nothing to speed the process up, to force it to its conclusion, you just have to wait.

No matter how much you just want to be done and want it all over: you just have to wait.

Part of the challenge with waiting is that you know, or at least really hope, what is coming will be really good. It will be new, and fun, and exciting, and memorable. A whole new phase of life.

But, the phase can't start -- not really -- until the baby is born or the house is sold (unless you are one of those families that can just afford two mortgages, I guess). No matter how much you may prepare and anticipate, in the end, you have to wait.

And, waiting -- I have come to the conclusion -- is something I hate to do.

I have been thinking a lot about the last three and a half weeks of my pregnancy with Elsie Jane.

(Now in all honesty and fairness to other women out there, all my babies have been born before their due dates -- by a good bit. I can't imagine what you go through going past a due date! But, I also don't really eat or feel remotely sane for the full nine months I am pregnant, so I pack in a lot of misery in the abbreviated length of gestation for me.)

At 32 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy with Elsie I started into pre-term labor. Resulting in trips to the hospital, bed rest, and drugs that made me feel really crazy and shaky and dizzy all trying and stop my contractions, which never really subsided, just lessened a bit. In any case, the doctors made it abundantly clear that they would do everything they could to get me to 36 weeks, so when my contractions would worsen I would just go back to the hospital for more monitoring and drugs. I was going crazy. I hated how I felt on all the medication. I was sick of not knowing if things would get worse and the baby would come. I was unable to plan well. I had no idea whether I should move up the time my mom was coming to stay with my other girls, and I had no back up for her if the baby did come. I did not know if after I hit 36 weeks and they took me of the medication the baby would be born or if I would have to wait longer, even weeks longer. I just did not know. I could not figure it out. I could do little or nothing to change the situation. All I could do was wait. I was miserable.

Yet, in the end, we decided to have my mom move up her flight and come on the day I hit 36 weeks. She arrived; I ended my bedrest; we celebrated Mia's birthday; we had one relaxing day together when I oriented her to the schedule and where everything was; I packed my hospital bag, and the next day I went into "real" labor and Elsie Jane was born! Amazingly, and unknown to me in all of it, Elsie arrived completely healthy and since she was one day past 36 weeks she avoided a required stay in the NICU for "preemies." Her birth could not have come any more timely for me as we discovered that much more serious issues were avoided by a quick c-section. And, all was simple and smooth for my girls at home with their Nama. No planning on my part could have been so miraculous in its addressing health issues we did not even know existed and timing that I would not have ever considered.

Beginning with the circumstances of her birth and so often in her little life, I have felt like Elsie Jane is a metaphor for me. Like she is teaching me to let go.

I thought about this again the other day when after being in the car for nearly 45 minutes, contentedly looking out the window and jabbering in the back seat she asked me: "Where we going?" If only I could have such a trusting and laid back approach to the path my life is taking, just enjoying the ride instead of worrying so much about getting to my destination!

I have thought about this lesson from Elsie Jane's birth the past couple of days as my emotional state has reminded me of those weeks on bedrest. So frustrated. So spent. So worn out and tired of the present situation. And, with so little control over changing it. Nothing for me to do but wait.

I cannot make my house sell. I have done my part to bring that about. I cannot move forward and make plans regarding our move, a new home, the summer, schools for the kids, really almost anything in my life, until it sells. So, all I can do is wait.

The question is: will I wait with greater patience and faith this time, less desperation than I felt nearly three years ago?

I am not sure, but I hope so. I hope to take a new approach this time around. To learn from my past experience. To more fully trust in the same hand that has led me along through all the challenging and difficult and slow waiting places in my life.

And so, I am looking for things to do with myself other than worry and stew and clean and feel stuck.

Like updating my blog.

If it feels like I'm whining the same old tune constantly lately, I apologize. I am just looking for a diversion through writing.

In the meantime, the blog is updated with its own new, fresh approach. The pictures are from our family photo shoot in November. Here are a few of my other favorites. (It is amazing how fast everyone is growing up. Just one more reason to take a new approach to life.)