Today

It is a Sunday morning, and I awoke early.  Sleep has been hard as thoughts of all I need to do are unrelenting.  Jeffrey has been in Atlanta for the past few days.  So after dinner and a movie (which I ended up sleeping through) with my daughters, Maggie and Elsie Jane both requested sleeping in my room with me. Now, Elsie has stirred enough that she is leaving her spot on the floor -- two sweet, peaceful, little girls sleeping in my bed while I take a moment to sit in this chair in the morning hours and consider all I am feeling and all that lies ahead in the coming week.

In just one week, Wasatch Waldorf Charter School will open for the first time.  It is hard for me to even comprehend that this is real.  I am so caught up in the logistical coordination, that at times, I cannot even take in what is happening.

I am terrified - of making a mistake, not doing something essential, handling a situation badly, not being prepared and ready in time for the first day, something going wrong, never being able to find balance again in my life.

I am overwhelmed - the work is never-ending.  My to-do list gets longer, not shorter.  I look around me and see progress, but I there is still so very much that needs to happen to reach completion.

I am guilty - about all the things that I am not doing: spending more one on one time with my girls, being present with my daughters, fixing meals at home, exercising, studying and meditating.  So many thing that I know make a difference in my life and my soul, but that are a real struggle right now.

I am tired - depleting my reserves which concerns me, because I know that I will need on-going strength, not just strength for the next week.  Hardly a moment when I am not at work.

I am amazed - in awe of what is happening, astounded at the beauty of the place, the building, the people, this monumental moment.  There were hundreds of excited, amazing families that filled the park on Friday night to meet their teachers.  It was a powerful sight -- the genesis of true community.

I am humbled - overwhelmed with the quality of people that surround me, their commitment, their experience, their dedication and work, their courage.  I have no right to be a leader in this context, all I have to truly give is my absolute commitment to giving my all, seeking inspiration and balancing the needs of individuals with the needs of the whole, no other true qualifications.  I hope it is enough.

I am excited - so much anticipation about what may come.  I cannot wait to see children in classrooms, learning and experiencing what it is to be in a Waldorf school for the first time; teachers learning their craft and hitting their stride; a community that figures out how to creatively meet the needs of varied individuals and families; class plays and festivals, pedagogical meetings, celebrations, and even defeats that we experience together.  I am excited about the coming ride.

I am hopeful - that we can do it well, even better than what I have seen and experienced elsewhere. That this school can run with integrity, where we genuinely love and respect one another as a faculty and staff, as parents and community, and as students.  That we can balance self-care and personal lives with our commitment to grow and bring the best to the children.  That what is created can be a model of the best of Waldorf education and the best of a public charter school education.

I am inspired - by the sacrifices that families, teachers, staff, and children are making to be a part of this community.  So much giving and risk taking.  So many open hearts and open arms.

I am sustained - by a strength and capacity that is far beyond my own.  None of what has come to be is about me.  I have given my best, but I am a weak, inexperienced human who is just taking one step after another into the darkness.  I am given a gift of grace each day to keep walking, to keep working, to determine what is most essential in that day -- and I do not know that I always get it right -- but, enough of it has been right to get me to this moment:  one week until school opens and everything is coming together.  Definitely because of a spiritual power beyond me.

I am seeking - continued inspiration, self growth and evolution, a new way of living and being that brings me into greater harmony with God and the source of love and truth, with the community that is forming around me, with my children and my family, and with myself.

I am me - this mess of so many feelings, each welling up at a different moment amid the endless tirade of all that I still need to do that nags at every corner of my brain lately.

I do not know how we are going to finish training and building a shared picture of our community as a faculty and staff, get the school organized, finished and cleaned, prepare for a momentous first day, and be present in it.  But, that is okay.  I never knew how I was going to get to this point either.  I suppose I will just have to trust in the same process: wake up, greet the morning, get out of bed, and start putting one foot in front of the other, each moment praying for the strength, wisdom, and love to do it well.