Losing It

I feel a bit lately like I am losing it.

What is it? Well, you name it, and it has probably gone recently. My patience, my temper, my memory, an item I need around the house, my schedule, my diet, my goals, my expectations, the familiar, my life.

You know how Jesus teaches that you have to lose your life to find it? Well, I feel right now like I am in the middle of that process of losing it. And, I am just hoping that I will find it eventually.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a cry for help. I don't need people to help me pack or bring me dinner or do anything for me. There is nothing anyone can do anyway. It is just that I am in an emotional place of letting go of everything, and, truthfully, it isn't easy.

I think as humans we have a tendency to hold on tight. We struggle to let go, to accept change, to cope with the uncertain. We want guarantees, formulas, predictability, the familiar. When we have to relinquish all of that it is not easy.

I was remarking how any one of the things I am letting go of would on its own be tough:
being finished with my work with the Young Women at church,
having some of our best friends move away and my shy daughter lose her BFF,
bidding farewell to our home that we love and have finally gotten all fixed up
-- all would be hard and bring some sad moments and trepidation. But, doing all of it at once, plus saying goodbye to ALL our friends, leaving our favorite place to live, facing the logistics and work of packing the whole house, keeping the house constantly clean with all the kids home from school, still being uncertain as to when the house will sell, feeling nervous and uncertain about what will await us in a new place....it is just a lot.

I keep thinking that the lesson I need in life is to let go, and this certainly is good practice.

I just hope it won't be too long before I start finding things again.