Challenges in Teaching Sexuality

So, not long ago I wrote about challenges in teaching theology to my children. I love that kids look at things so uniquely, but it can create some tough questions at times. However, while I have felt generally well-prepared to answer religious questions well, I have found the birds and the bees to be a little more nuanced.

How much information is enough? When do I talk about particular subjects and in what context? These are questions I have considered quite a bit.

I have felt that frank, open conversations are critical to good relationships and to teaching truth. And, I have not shied away from those. I have talked with both my older daughters (4 & 7) about “good” and “bad” touching, encouraging them to tell mom and dad about anything that could approach pedophilia; I have outlined basic female and male anatomy, etc. But, I had not fully prepared myself to jump all the way in to talking about sex with them yet. I mean, they are 4 and 7!

However, that is exactly what has happened.

It began with Maggie.

I always thought that the one benefit of having three c-sections was that I could give straight-forward, truthful accounts of my children’s births to them without having to wrestle with explaining a vaginal delivery.

It is pretty simple to just say, “The doctor cut open mommy’s tummy and pulled you (or your sister) out.” There. Done. No trouble.

Until recently when Maggie has been saying that she never wants to have a baby when she grows up. When I asked why she said, “I don’t want them to cut my tummy!”

I have tried to reassure with information about medicine and stitches and healing and the joys of motherhood. But, to no avail.

Then, one day as we were driving home Maggie queried, “Mom, was it sooo scary when they cut your head off?”

Completely lost as to what she was referring to, I said, “No one has ever cut my head off Maggie.”

“Yes,” Maggie insisted, “When you had Elsie Jane and the doctor cut your head off.”

All the sudden the image in her mind and mine became one: I was the climax of a magic show, the lady being sawed in half. Except, in this case, while my top and bottom were separated, a doctor pulled a baby out.

At first I smirked and giggled to myself, but seeing the look of horror on my four-year-old’s face, and thinking about what this mental picture meant to her, I tried again to reassure that it was a small, limited cut to extricate the baby. I was very clear that my head NEVER left my body.

But, it made no difference to Maggie. So, finally, sensing her deep concern, I told her about the “alternative” way to get a baby out (which to me had always seemed far more terrifying than surgery), and, to my amazement, she was quite reassured.

This aspect of human reproduction having been addressed, I thought I had done enough explaining for awhile, but then, of course, there was Mia.

Mia loves animals, and since the only profession she has ever considered in her life thus far is being a veterinarian, she wants to know EVERYTHING that she can about animals. Lately, we have had lots of conversations about animals having babies. We have discussed that for all mammals, including humans, there must be both a mom and a dad to have a baby. But, then she started getting more specific.

Why? Why must there be a mom and a dad? Why can’t the mom just make a baby on her own?

Well, the mom brings a part and the dad brings a part and both parts combining is what makes a baby. Whew. Not too bad.

But, then she got more specific and more specific. Until the morning when we were standing in my bathroom braiding her hair and she said, “I just don’t get it. How do the mom’s egg and the dad’s part get together?”

Well, that did it. I had tiptoed around this question several times already, but put like that I knew I had three choices: 1- Lie; 2- Say (although in somewhat different terms) I can’t tell you; or 3- Answer her question.

In what seemed like a lot more time, but was only a few seconds, I reviewed my beliefs on teaching children sexuality. (Mind you, these are theoretical beliefs that I have not ever tested in the raising of children, since this is my first time doing that.)

First, I have promised myself I would never lie. I will never give an incorrect explanation of human sexuality or the creation of human life.

Second, I personally feel that the more open and unashamed conversations about such subjects are the more comfortable and safe our children will be in seeking us out as the source of information on this topic. Saying I can’t or won’t explain something to a direct question seemed, to me, to be a basis for more confusion, a sense of secrecy, and doubt in whether it is appropriate to ask about such matters – which, of course, in my home I want it to be.

Third, as sad as it may be, my seven year old lives in a world awash in sexual images and messages. I can shield and protect her from some of this, but in this day and age, I cannot protect her from all of it. She will hear and learn and be exposed one way or another.

At that moment I knew that I wanted the original source of information to be me. I didn’t want to wait until she hears something at school or on the bus or somewhere else and it creates questions.

So, I took a deep breath, I told her that what I was telling her was really important, that she could ask me anything she wanted about it, but that it was not an appropriate conversation to have with friends at school, etc. And, then, I told her. I explained the biological process, gave her accurate terminology, and unleashed all the birds and bees.

Then, we talked about the gospel standards. We talked about the importance of families, of marriage, of waiting to use the sacred powers of procreation. We talked about how she would be baptized in less than a year and that living by this commandment and standard was an important part of the covenant she would be making.

We discussed all of this easily as I braided her hair. When I finished the braid, she nonchalantly looked at me and said, “Thanks for telling me mom.” And, she skipped off to finish getting ready for school.

That was it. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was easy. I just told her the truth.

Later that night we went out to dinner. While sitting next to Jeffrey, Mia leaned over and said, “Dad, Mom explained some things to me this morning that were very interesting.”

“I know,” he said, “She told me.”

“There was just one thing that I found really surprising. Do you want me to tell you?”

“I know what it is,” he replied.

“How?”

“Because it is the same thing every kid finds surprising.”

“Oh,” she said. Smiled, and went on with her dinner.

Since that time I have reflected on our conversation, how it just emerged in the process of going about regular life, how easy it really was, and how receptive she was to all I said. Most of all, I have thought about the power of truth.

It seems to me that in telling the truth, confidently and without shame, we give our children the greatest tool. Confusion and perversion emerge from deceit and misinformation. That is the tool that is used to lure youth. But truth, not just scientific truth, but gospel truth, undiluted and spoken in love is a source of power.

It is truth and clarity and standards that I am particularly grateful to have as I navigate the complex task of raising children. I can’t imagine trying to teach and set limits, to guide and foster responsible, ethical, moral behavior without such conviction.

Even more, I felt encouraged this weekend when I listened to church leaders teach this:
“Mothers, teach your daughters the importance of making covenants, and then show them how to keep those covenants in such a way that they will desire to live worthy to go to the temple. In today’s world this means talking to your daughters about sexual matters. Your daughters as well as your sons are coming of age in a world that openly embraces early, casual, and thoughtless promiscuity. Immodest, unchaste women are glamorized and all too often celebrated and emulated. While there are steps that we can take in our homes and families to minimize our exposure to these unsavory elements of contemporary living, your daughters cannot entirely avoid the blatant sexual messages and enticements that surround them. You need to have frequent, open discussions during which you teach your daughters the truth about these issues.” -- Elder M. Russell Ballard